she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
