I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
