Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
