Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Randomize