My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
