I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I just blew my weed a kiss
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
