remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
