I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
