I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
