he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
