I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
