just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize