Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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