i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
