He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
