Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
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