On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
