Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
