Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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