3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
