I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
