is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
