A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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