even my farts smell like vagina
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
