it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
