ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
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