for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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