I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
