his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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