if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
