My liver just broke up with me...
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
