Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
How's work?
Spinning.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
