i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
