i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
