I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i want to swaddle you in tequila
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
