He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
