U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
