did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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