So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
