Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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