Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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