dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
