apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
