It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
