I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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