dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
