break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
