what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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