She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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