Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
