my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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