if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
