Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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