Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
