I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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