Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
