I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Randomize
