if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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