I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
