Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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